I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
