My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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