I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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