batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
