this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
