After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
