I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
