i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
