I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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