So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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