My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Panties = found
Randomize
