what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
