Quick, to the slutcave!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
