I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
