I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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