Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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