I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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