Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
