grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
