I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
