Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
