Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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