I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
