Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't deserve a penis
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
