My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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