my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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