The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
