Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
