I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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