I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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