Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
