better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
