I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
