Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
