Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
