I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
