her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
