i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
