I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
