Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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