Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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