First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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