sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just threw up on my dentist
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We need a shit load of segways right now
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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