i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
