also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
