i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
