I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
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the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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