First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
