you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
