Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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