oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
