I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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