puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
