im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
