Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
