Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
