Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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